The Human Zoo - Ms & Mr ANZAC Day

1. Ms Dawn Service Selfie

Tash’s boyfie sits patiently outside her house at 5:15am waiting for her to apply her make-up to the requisite level of on-fleekness for her Dawn Service selfie.

Despite Tash acting like a Pest-We-Forget insta-hoe, they arrive at the service in the nick of time. Tash can barely contain her boredom as she waits to Snapchat the Bugle solo. She captions her snap, “LEAST WE FORGOT ;(“. Yikes.

After the service, she runs up and peppers the Soldiers with requests for selfies. While everyone wonders who left the gate open at the cunt farm, she is making tough decisions. Do I go with that gazillion year old war vet or one of the hot spunks?

Yeh, standing next to old mate will help her smile pop in the photo. She uploads the selfie with the reluctant RSL-battler to Instagram. “Today we remember #dawnservice #6am #upat5 #soldiers #ANZAC #blessed #meninuniform #yasss”.

245 likes yasss, “I’m so glad we came babe”. Yeh, don’t think anyone shares the sentiment about your presence Tash.

2. Mr ANZAC Nightclub Promoter

Antonio is an up & coming nightclub promoter that spends his day sending out unsolicited friend requests and inviting you to events that sound as appealing as being reincarnated as a loose sock in the perimeter of a 15 year old’s computer chair. .

“ANZAC Day Eve Shots & Awe Party - come dressed as a sexy commando for half priced entry. We’ll have KY jelly trench wrestling, $5 drinks and DJ PTSD dropping the wubbiest bombs all night!”

Well, that is about as tacky as an discounted ashtray from the Auschwitz gift shop, who guarantee they won’t holo-cost you an arm and a leg!

Profiteering of such a day is a bit like blackface: the majority of us know it’s wrong, but there is always some edge-lord that pulls it out for a party. Antonio can’t understand the backlash on social media and is forced to pull down the advertising for the night.  

Smelling like a Joop factory, Antonio confides in his mates, “we’re still going to have the KY Jelly Trench, it’s what the digger would’ve wanted”.

Nah, they would’ve wanted to use you as a human sandbag lad.

3. Ms Australia are War Criminals Slacktivist

A day where predominantly Australian men are honoured for their services fighting for Australia? Nup, not on her watch. Her “Invasion Day” campaign ended on the 27th of January and she desperately needs more approval from people who believe shitting on Australia is the new black:

‘While you are all getting disgusting and drunk, remember you are celebrating war criminals and a warmongering nation, this day is sick and you should all be ashamed of yourself, so instead let us remember the refugees we send away and like the Syrians”.  

Woah, easy brandishing that weapon of mass cuntstruction, or America’s invadey-sense might start tingling and they'll want some of that slacktivist oil that she uses to lube up the leftist circle jerk.

Would she go down to the local RSL and announce her views to the blokes trying to wash the war from their memories? Of course not, she just leeches off the day to gain more respect from like-minded people and achieve less than an Italian plasterer who has decided to take 3 smokos before lunch.

Will she continue her war against Australian military policy tomorrow? Probably not, unless #ANZAC is still trending.

13 Readers Comments:

  • Anonymous says:
    April 25, 2017 at 8:51 PM

    Every Italian plasterer I know, which is about 5, works bloody hard. Not sure where that stereotype came from. Apart from that, all true.

  • Anonymous says:
    April 25, 2017 at 10:20 PM

    And no Kiwis I know actually fuck sheep. Its called satire mate.

  • Unknown says:
    April 25, 2017 at 10:24 PM

    I worked as a labourer for a team of Italian plasters for a while when at uni and have to agree with the above comment however,
    "as appealing as being reincarnated as a loose sock in the perimeter of a 15 year old’s computer chair" is genius, nice work

  • Nick Ellison says:
    April 25, 2017 at 10:41 PM

    No way, kiwis are defo into the sheep bro

  • Nick Ellison says:
    April 25, 2017 at 10:42 PM

    No way, kiwis are defo into the sheep bro

  • Jye McLaughlin says:
    April 26, 2017 at 12:00 AM

    Spot the Italian plasterer

  • GrassyNoel says:
    April 26, 2017 at 2:02 AM

    I thought the stereotype was that we Italians were all concreters :)

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    August 23, 2017 at 9:31 AM

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