The Bell Tower Time's Guide to the Western Derby

1. Dickheads make ape noises (Odds: 2.45)

Now, no one is saying all Perth based fans are racist, it’s just sometimes the stands sound like a mass audition for toothless society’s production of Planet of the Apes.

At 2.45, this is a great pick to include in your multi. To make your punt on bigotry even juicer add the “didn’t mean it in a racist way but” bonus odds (Odds 2.00 total), if and when a fan is escorted out and questioned by police.

2. WAG pays no attention to the game (Odds: 1.10)

Imagine the yasss-pocalypse if the camera panned across the stands and her #blessed beauty was discovered and got offered a gig on a regional GWN Camping & Fishing show?

Accordingly, this is a safe bet, as at least all of them will be busy Snapchatting, checking make-up and saying shit, “if he doesn’t walk onto a premiership stage, then he ain't walking down my aisle" (figuratively and literally).

3. A Docker's Fan Hits a Female (Odds: 4.50)

This is a solid roughie. Don’t get us wrong, they will certainly WANT to do it, but after seeing the imprisonment of a member in 2015 they may think twice.

TAB is offering Double the odds if the victim is a cop again! At 9.00 it’d be as unwise as pushing in front of Michael Johnson in the kebab line (or in front of the coke fridge) to put this one in your multi.

4. An Old Boy tramples Women & Children to get to his Box (1.30)

He has been a Subiaco Oval member since before the legion of neck tattooed scum flocked to his beloved suburb every week. But like his Titanic silver spoonery, this is always a safe bet to go down.

You can guarantee he is the sort of wanker to wear a suit to a footy game and lowball you on a settlement offer after his son creams yours in a boating accident.

5. A bogan will spend shit loads on food & drink and later whinge about it online (Odds: paid out)

Going to the Footy can be an expensive day out. Especially when someone appears to have a fucking gun to your head telling you to purchase 8 hotdogs, 5 large chips 10 beers and enough Coke to put the 2006 WCE locker room urinal tray to shame.

Sorry guys, the TAB is not taking anymore bets on this one, it’s a guarantee.

6. WCE Members leave at ¾ Time (Odds 3.00)

If West Coast are down by more than 30 points, fans will desert their boys like a Armadale inseminator demanding a paternity test. Will they go quietly? Heavens no. The stampede will be marched to the tune of empty trophy and “enjoy your grand final” remarks.

These odds will be a favourite amongst Docker’s fans, and may help them avoid looking for a job for another week and actually put food on their family’s tables for once.

7. Dockers Choke (Odds 3.00)

So often the Dockers come out strong, but finish the game resembling Clive Waterhouse practicing some auto-erotic asphyxiation in his mobile home.

An absolute must if you are a West Coast supporter.