A Guide to Aussie Values

Hello prospective immigrant. Welcome to 'Straya, we have sun, beaches and a variety of creatures that try desperately to kill you (although we try to keep them contained to outer suburban duplexes). Here is a convenient guide to fitting in:

1. Helping thy fellow man avoid traffic infringements 

Generally, there are more cockheads on Aussie roads than around Old McDonald's chopping block. It is customary to flash your lights to warn oncoming traffic of the presence of speed cameras. Remember to politely wave when the favour is returned to you, or you may find yourself on the wrong end of a tyre iron swing.

Also post the location of booze buses online, to allow your mates to creep the back streets in peace after they assure you that they “probably wouldn’t blow over" but don't want to "take the risk".

2. Casual Racism

Aussies don’t mind a bit of casual racism. However how you deliver your ethnic slurs is important. To avoid accusations, preface any witty observation you have about someone's ethnic background by first saying “don’t mean to sound racist but…” Boom, you have now entered an all you can eat buffet of race-based assumptions.

Note, graduating from casual to full-time racism is generally frowned upon unless you have an Aussie flag as your cover photo and despite your UK heritage, consider yourself a first Australian.

3. Giving People Shit 
Ever wondered what it’s like to have the kind of mate that you want to punch in the mouth most days? Well in Australia, mateship is defined by how much shit you can give each other. It’s our way and we love it, ya dickhead.

Does it build an undercurrent of deep simmering resentment that will eventually explode after 7 pints and a dispute about whose round it is? Yeh probably, but fuck it you pot-bellied flog, get into it because if you’re not copping an absolute shellacking on the daily, it probably means no one likes you.

4. The Right to a Sausage Sizzle

The one cuisine that unites the fish finger munching mongos and unbearable foodies, is the humble sausage sizzle. White bread, a snag, onions and some sauce. Got it?

We don’t ask for much, but to have a snag waiting for us when we go to Bunnings on a weekend, endure our children’s sporting matches and of course exercise our democratic right to vote.

Oh, and don’t get too excited to pick up the tongs. Do you even know how to splash beer on the BBQ? No, then calm down, because fucking up a BBQ will get you sent back quicker than a Thai mail-order bride who brings a different kind of sausage to the table.

5. Blame it on the Booze

Australia’s favourite excuse for shithouse carry-on is that the person had a few too many. Fuck it, we love a drink and sometimes we’ll glass one another, plough into our neighbour’s fences or impregnate our mate's wife in the back seat of a dual cab Hi-Lux.

So help us paint the town spew, and remember to blame the beers for any little hiccups along the way.
Could you just be a insufferable boor? Probably, but in Australia, we leave the reflection upon our own personality flaws to the Magistrate buddy.