A Guide to Australia Day

1. Throw a BBQ 

The BBQ is Australia’s closest thing to a cultural cuisine and the Straya Day BBQ is the “X-Mas Roast” of BBQs, so don’t fuck it up. No easy feat given you have consumed 8 bush chooks in an inflatable pool since 10:30 am. If it helps, imagine Waleed Aly is standing over you and just one overcooked lamb chop will result in a full-blown monologue and an unceremonious de-tonging#giveyourtongstowaleed. 

2. Fashion 

Basically, you want to look like Australia chundered all over you while giving you an overly rambunctious deep throating. Popular choices include temporary tatts, green & gold zinc, stubby holders as wristbands and for some culturally confusing reason a sombrero. Girls, remember, your selfie while floating on a giant inflatable thong means nothing unless you are wearing a Straya flag bikini too. 

3. Get Stuck at the Sky Show 

As a society, we hang on to the idea that we enjoy fireworks. Despite no one particularly liking them that much, thousands will flock to the foreshore to join young families film the display in a state of lacklustre awe. The real fun comes when you want to head home. Watch as decent folk turn into ‘bow-throwing lunatics as they scramble to hail taxis, catch buses, locate their Ubers and scream at their spouses for not hurrying the fuck up. Pandemonium. 

4. Get Admonished by a Slacktivist 

Don’t fear, the slacktivist will be balls deep into an Invasion Day boycott and there is a possibility you may avoid any interaction by simply not logging onto social media. Wishful thinking. It is inevitable that you will get lectured by some first-year uni student who is totally making a difference by remembering Indigenous people exist for one day of the year and using a totes lit hashtag #changethedate.

5. Go Full Patriot 

To every slack-tion there is an equal and opposite meth-action, and in this case, it is the patriots. Fueled by a desire to shove it up lefties cuck-holes, the patriots will have their flags draped as capes and be on patrol for anyone not acting Australian enough. Which in their case, involves a lot of pigmentation based bashings and constant Aussie, Aussie, Aussie chanting just to make sure there is no confusion over what country you’re in moiiiiiite.