Office Alcoholic: Melbourne Cup Luncheon Just a Warm-up for the Christmas Party

4 November 2013, 10:15am

Tomorrow, employers across Australia will be hosting dignified luncheons to celebrate the Melbourne Cup, one of Australia's most famous sporting events. Normally, employees are permitted to have a few drinks to go with their strawberries & cream.

Frank McEvoy, 41, holds the unenviable title of the office drunk at his job in Perth's CBD. McEvoy relishes any opportunity to rapidly consume drinks at the various staff functions. Once intoxicated, he is known to drunkenly leer at the female staff, spit when he talks and normally ends up with a reasonable amount of piss on his trousers from his atrocious aiming.

The Bell Tower Times never misses an opportunity to delve into the mind of an office piss-head, so we contacted McEvoy and asked him what was special about the Melbourne Cup luncheon:
"Melbourne Cup is really important. It is the first office function since the end of financial year party, where free drinks are put on for staff members. Last year I drank 8 beers in the one hour event and then went off to the pub during my lunch break  It was amazing, I think i consumed about 14 beers from 11am - 2pm. A fair effort on a Tuesday ay?"
Other coworkers were not as gracious about McEvoy's alcoholic behavior, we spoke to the reception who told us:
"One word. Gross. He gets all the beer foam caught in his dirty facial hair and sooo much slag builds up in the corner of his mouth.  It is pretty obvious that he uses the Melbourne Cup luncheon to gauge just how far he can go, in terms of drinking on the job. 
He likes footy metaphors, he once told me that Melbourne Cup was like the derby and the office Christmas party was the "grand final"... I just hope he doesn't try to look down my top again".
Bizarrely, McEvoy beleives that his behavior goes under the radar. Little does he know, some of his coworkers have been taking bets on the exact time McEvoy's wife will storm into the office, blast him for his alcoholism and threaten to take the kids to her mothers house for the night. Last year, the time was 2:50pm.

McEvoy, you are a mess sir.

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