Breathalysers and Underwear Checks for Store Santa's This Year

16 December 2013, 11:00am

Taking your kids to see Santa Clause at your local shopping centre or park is a timeless Australian tradition and an essential part of any young persons upbringing.

Unfortunately, not all shopping centre Santa's like to play by the rules. Over the years, there has been anecdotal evidence of a culture of alcoholism and exhibitionism amongst the Santa's, and it is only a matter of time before an Aussie child is subjected to some unpleasantness.

Police have have been instructed to discretely breathalyse Santas and check that they are wearing underwear under their Santa costumes this holiday season. We spoke to our source at the WA Police who told us:

"There is definitely a zero tolerance policy this year. Officer's have been tasked with the unpleasant job of having to breathalyse men dressed up as Santa Clause for various functions, and of course, perform on the spot check to ensure they are wearing some jocks. We expect some officers may get an unwanted glimpse of penis, however its a risk we must take to ensure community safety".

One mother, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Bell Tower Times:

"I could smell the bourbon from the front of the line. When my son and myself approached Santa, his eyes were glazed over and he was staring directly at  the ass of one of his female Elf helpers, who had bent over to grab a lolly for my son. What a vile man".

Teenage larrikin, Tommy, once lined up to sit on Santa's lap, so he could get a photo and prove to his peers that he was a goofball, he told us:

"Sure, I was pulling the piss. A 19 year old has no place of Santa's lap, but fuck me man, when I sat on his lap I could feel his dick gently pressing into my leg! Wasn't like he was hard or anything, I just don't reckon the dirty prick was wearing any underwear. Serves me right, but think about the children".

Sadly, the two incidents described above are not isolated, and we heard from various other Perthians, that when they encountered Santa, he was either drunk or was rocking out commando style.

The majority of Santa's are holiday heroes and the Bell Tower Times salutes them. However, to those who aren't wearing grundies or are intoxicated, we shake our heads with disapproval.