Johnson's Moustache Reminded Trott of Recurring Freddy Mercury Sex Dream

10 December 2013, 11:30am

Sensationally,  English batsman, Johnathon Trott, excused himself from the Ashes Series in Australia on account of battling emotional issues.

It has been revealed by sources close to Trott that a major reason he became overwhelmed was the fact that Australian fast bowler, Mitchell Johnson's moustache brought back saucy memories of a recurring sex dream he had involving the late Freddy Mercury.

It is alleged that when Trott was a teenager, he would dream about the Queen lead singer bailing him up behind the cricket nets and seducing him. The dream normally ended with the pair making aggressive and sweaty love.

At the time, Trott was haunted by the dreams and began to doubt his own heterosexual view of himself. Trott's teenage years were understandably traumatic given the popularity of Queen. Over time, Trott stopped having the dreams, however the fear of Freddy Mercury lived on in his subconscious.

A blissfully ignorant Mitchell Johnson, grew a pair of handlebars for the pro-men's health campaign, Movember. For reasons known only to Johnson, he decided to keep the look and has been bowling serious heat at the English cricket team and racking up impressive statistics.

Johnson has been commended for pulling off a look that can only be described as an exact cross between a pool-cleaning porn star and a gay nightclub rapist.  One cannot escape some form of sexual thought when they look at his face.

Trott was the first casualty of Johnson's fierce look, however as the English team fail to find form, we ask ourselves whether Johnson's face is the real hero of the Ashes?

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